How to Shorten Your Refractory Period, According to Sex Experts

WHAT’S BETTER THAN having sex? Having it again and again. One obstacle to this for many men, however, is the refractory period—the time right after orgasm when you can’t get an erection no matter how hard you try (no pun intended). Generally, you’re stuck in the no-bone-zone anywhere from a few minutes and a few hours, says Dr. Stephen Snyder, MD, sex therapist, relationship therapist, sexual medicine specialist, and author of Love Worth Making: How to Have Ridiculously Great Sex in a Long-Lasting Relationship, but the length of the refractory period can vary hugely from person to person.

An easy way to tell how long yours may last: “If you click start on a stopwatch the moment you ejaculate, then click stop the moment you can get fully hard again, that’s your refractory period,” says Dr. Snyder. Many factors can influence the length of your refractory period, including level of desire and age, he explains, with younger men usually being on the shorter end of the spectrum. “Some lucky souls have hardly any refractory period at all,” says Dr. Snyder. “No one knows how they got that way.”

Fortunately, the end of your erection doesn’t have to spell the end of sex—and in fact, if your partner has a vulva, it likely doesn’t. So, you can always use your downtime to continue pleasuring your partner (always a good idea to make sure everyone leaves sex feeling satisfied!). That said, if you know you’re both ready for round two, you may be able to shorten your refractory period with these expert tips.

How to shorten your refractory period

1. Experiment with different arousal techniques.

The keys to getting aroused more quickly after orgasm are, perhaps unsurprisingly, the same keys to getting aroused in general. These include “wellness, mindfulness, self-knowledge, and understanding your own turn-on,” says Carol Queen, PhD, a sexologist, a sex educator with Good Vibes and co-author of The Sex & Pleasure Book: Good Vibrations Guide to Great Sex for Everyone.

Someone can increase their arousal “through fantasy, adding more erogenous zone play, or focusing on enjoying their partner’s pleasure,” she adds. “Everything that makes sex great apart from penis-insertive sex can be enjoyed and luxuriated in when one is waiting out their refractory period, and this might help shorten that time for some, too.” So, stay playful and be open to trying new things—you may be surprised by what revs your engine.

During masturbation, you can play with different strokes, sensations, positions, and sex toys, taking note of what increases your arousal and reduces your refractory period. Some people can also gain greater control over their erections by doing kegel exercises, says Queen.

2. Talk to your doctor about treatment options.

If you’ve tried these at-home techniques with no success, you can also talk to your doctor about being prescribed erectile dysfunction medications, like Viagra and Cialis, to shorten your refractory period, says Dr. Snyder. (You would still take them before having sex, rather than between rounds.) On the flip side, if you’re already taking medication to treat another health issue, “make sure your prescribing doctor lets you know if any of them (alone or interacting with each other) might have sexual side effects,” Queen says.

Another reason to consult a medical professional: If you have a very long refractory period—for instance, days rather than minutes or hours—a physician can help you address this specific concern, Dr. Snyder says.

3. Make health-conscious lifestyle choices.

ICYDK, erectile functioning can also be affected by your overall health and wellbeing. “Some studies suggest that improving one’s cardiovascular health may decrease the refractory period,” says Bailey Hanek, PsyD, an AASECT-certified sex therapist, clinical psychologist, and consultant for the Between Us Clinic, an online sex therapy clinic. Cardiovascular and core exercise are most effective for this purpose, adds Queen.

Getting enough sleep, eating healthy food, and avoiding alcohol—especially before sex—are also helpful, but there’s no guarantee that taking these steps will change your refractory period. “It’s possible that improving overall health may help some men with aspects of erectile function such as refractory period,” says Dr. Snyder. “If that motivates you to eat better, exercise more, and get treatment for high cholesterol and high blood pressure, then sure—go for it. But we men can easily get obsessed with things we can measure. Best not to get too obsessed with your refractory period.”

4. Don’t smoke.

“Nicotine is not great for your circulatory system, which erection relies on,” Queen says. So, if you smoke, quitting can make a positive difference in your refractory period. And if you don’t, don’t start—your sex life will (likely) thank you.

What if you can’t shorten your refractory period?

If you can’t shorten your refractory period, don’t sweat it. It’s possible to experience a lot of pleasure without an erection—and in fact, too much focus on erections can backfire. Thinking about your refractory period means you’re not “thinking erotic thoughts,” which are necessary if you want to get aroused again at some point, says Queen. “Any focus that makes you stray from arousal is going to defeat the purpose.”

Plus, taking the pressure of a repeat performance off yourself can teach you to enjoy yourself—and your partner—in new ways. “Getting an erection and having penetrative sex is associated with control and self-esteem by some men—​it’s built into some people’s notion of the masculine role,” Queen says. “Also, some guys (and sometimes their partners) understand penetrative sex to be the definition of sex when, of course, it is not.” Instead, expand your definition of sex to include outercourse, oral sex, fingering, playing with couples sex toys—whatever feels good to you and your partner.

“The big thing is to avoid testing your penis to see if it’s ready yet,” says Dr. Snyder. “Your penis hates being monitored like that. It will tell you loud and clear when it’s ready for more sex.”

Another option is to gain greater control over your orgasms so you won’t run up against your refractory period in the first place. When masturbating, practice refraining from ejaculation with the “stop-start technique” (a.k.a. edging), says Hanek. It’s pretty simple: Stop masturbating when you’re getting close to orgasm, and resume once your arousal levels have dropped.

You can try this with a partner by pausing sexual activity when you’re approaching orgasm and picking it back up when you’re no longer close. (Just make sure you get their consent and are on the same page before getting hot and heavy… and then not.) “Spending time doing sexual activities that do not bring about orgasm—or delaying orgasm—will allow for a longer sexual experience,” says Hanek. “Practicing the stop-start method helps men develop a greater awareness of the feelings and sensations that lead up to orgasm. This helps them to better control their sexual response and to improve their stamina overall.”

Oh, and if your partner is able to keep going more easily than you? No need to be jealous—that just gives you more opportunities to have fun with or without an erection.