6 Bad Relationship Habits Couples Therapists Are Begging You to Break

Romantic red flags and dramatic betrayals get a lot of attention (rightfully so). But it’s often the everyday bad relationship habits that quietly drive couples apart.

Compared to the biggies like cheating, yelling, or outright disrespect, more subtle patterns—in the way we communicate (or don’t), the assumptions we make, the emotional needs we ignore—tend to slip under the radar and get dismissed as annoying yet harmless quirks. But really, “what ends up happening is that resentment builds, and it builds, and it builds,” Janet Bayramyan, LCSW, a licensed psychotherapist at Road to Wellness in Los Angeles, tells SELF—which is why recognizing these small but impactful behaviors (before they grow beyond repair) is so important.

Read below for the most common mistakes even the strongest couples make without realizing, according to relationship experts—plus, easy fixes to keep your romance strong.

1. You hide behind humor to avoid deeper discussions.

Whenever serious topics come up, you turn into Chandler Bing—cracking jokes or dropping sarcastic one-liners to lighten the mood. Whether it’s a talk about moving in together, money stuff, or big feelings, you’d rather dodge it than face it head-on.

“Typically, I’ve seen this happen because one partner feels uncomfortable or incapable of having tough conversations and emotional intimacy, so they’ll use humor to deflect,” Bayramyan explains. The problem, though, is that this defense mechanism can leave your loved one feeling dismissed, as if you’re only interested in the fun, easy parts of a romantic relationship—and not willing to face the deeper, messier moments together.

What to do instead: You don’t have to pretend that opening up isn’t scary. “Be honest and let your partner know there’s a part of you that wants to deflect because you have a hard time with serious conversations,” Bayramyan says. For them, this can be the reassurance they need to know you’re not just brushing them off. And for you, this kind of confession is a necessary baby step toward being more vulnerable with your partner.

2. You swap date nights for takeout and TV in bed.

Most long-term relationships aren’t as high-energy as they were in the beginning. As you settle in and get comfortable with each other, it’s normal—even kind of heartwarming—to fall into a softer, more familiar routine that might look something like dinner after work, an episode of your favorite show, some phone scrolling (or fooling around) before bed. Then repeat the next day.

“I get it: Sometimes you’re exhausted and you want to be a blob in front of the TV,” Felicia De La Garza Mercer, PhD, Austin-based couples counselor, tells SELF. (And to be clear, that kind of low-effort, no-pressure quality time is important.) However, it’s also worth paying attention to if you’re sticking to the same old regimen because you’re unwilling to put in extra effort. Because without any pockets of the spontaneity and novelty that brought you together, Dr. De La Garza Mercer points out that even the coziest of romances can start to get boring.

What to do instead: “Even if you can’t afford to go out to dinner all the time or do something grandiose, think about different ways you can show interest in each other,” Dr. De La Garza Mercer recommends. Little switches might include cooking dinner together instead of ordering your go-to takeout, or swapping Seinfeld reruns in bed for an actual trip to the movie theater every once in a while.

The goal isn’t to fill your schedule with big, burdensome events that wear you down, but to sprinkle in the kind of thoughtful energy that’ll keep your connection fun, fresh, and alive.

3. You vent about your relationship problems to your friends—instead of talking directly with your partner.

Our friends are there to hear us out—and to hold space for the long, unfiltered monologues about our partner that we may not feel comfortable saying to their face. Perhaps you’ve texted your bestie to gut-check on whether it’s odd that your SO still follows their ex on Instagram. Or at brunch, you ramble about how you secretly hate your toxic mother-in-law.

But be careful if your social circle knows more about your relationship gripes than your own partner. For one, it can sting if they ever find out they’re the star topic of your group chat drama. Not to mention, excessive venting behind their back can start to replace the harder—but very necessary—conversations that would actually resolve the issues you’re so peeved about, Bayramyan says.

What to do instead: First, Bayramyan recommends taking a beat to ask yourself why you’re turning to your friends instead of your own SO. Is it just a tiny pet peeve you want to quickly vent about? Or are you holding back because being honest about your needs might cause a blowup—or worse, a breakup?

For minor, passing irritations (like leaving the lights on one time), try writing it down, distracting yourself with a walk, or giving it an hour—you might find it’s not worth the energy. But if it’s something that matters to you (they regularly cancel plans at the last minute, say, or constantly scroll through their phone during dates), bring it up kindly but directly using “I” statements. For instance, “I feel ignored when you’re texting while I’m talking,” or “I was looking forward to that event, so I’m kind of disappointed—next time, could you give me an earlier heads-up?”

4. You keep doubting your partner’s words—even after they’ve reassured you.

You’ve asked your partner (maybe more than once) whether they’ve finally scheduled their first therapy session or if they’ve asked their boss for a raise yet. They say they’ll get to it—but you still find yourself asking, “Are you sure?” or “Will you actually, though?”

This kind of anticipatory nagging usually comes from a place of anxiety or past letdowns—or maybe dynamics in your current relationship, Mary Tate, LCSW, owner of Tate Psychotherapy in New York City, tells SELF. Either way, coming at it from a place of accusation or doubt won’t solve any problems, since that second-guessing is basically saying, “I don’t trust you,” Tate says.

What to do instead: Instead of defaulting to suspicion or micromanaging, try to pause before questioning them. Focus on explaining why whatever you’re asking them to do is so important—and use “I” statements to keep the conversation collaborative and non-accusatory. For example, “I know you said you’d follow up with your manager about that promotion—I just really want you to get the recognition you deserve.”

That said, if your partner keeps agreeing to things but doesn’t follow through, it might be time for a larger convo, too. You might try, “I’ve noticed this keeps slipping through the cracks—can we talk about what’s getting in the way?”

5. You keep score of every little favor or mistake.

It’s one thing to keep an eye out for reciprocity and balance in a relationship. But if you find yourself keeping track of who does more dishes, who apologized last, or who planned the most recent date, you might be falling into one of these bad relationship habits. Remember, relationships aren’t competitions and not everything needs to be perfectly tit for tat, according to Dr. De La Garza Mercer—in fact, scorekeeping will only breed quiet resentment and leave you both feeling like losers.

What to do instead: Say what you actually need or want done (whether it’s more help around the house, honest feedback, or more affection) and leave the past out of it. This might sound like, “I would feel a bit more appreciated if you also initiated sex sometimes,” versus “Why am I the only one who’s always trying? You never make an effort to get things going!”

Another helpful pointer? Approach your problems as a team (not as opponents), Dr. De La Garza Mercer suggests, and work together to make your dynamic less one-sided. Maybe that means writing out a chores schedule, for instance, or compromising by alternating who books the dinner reservation each week, rather than zeroing in on who’s doing “more” of the cleaning or planning.

6. You make decisions based on what you think your partner wants.

To be loved is to be seen—and one of the sweetest parts of being so close to someone is knowing them well enough to predict their little quirks. Like how their perfect Sunday involves a walk in the park with a matcha in hand. Or that their introverted self prefers a quiet night in over a crowded bar. But Tate warns that this might lead you to make decisions for your partner without checking first. “Maybe you assume that they’re going to be free Sunday because they typically always watch baseball that day,” she explains. Or you might turn down an invite for a late-night concert because your early bird SO probably wouldn’t want to go anyway.

The thing is, people change, Tate points out. (Sure, they used to love Star Wars, but now they secretly cringe every time they unwrap more merch on their birthday.) More importantly, however, your partner might start to feel overlooked or sidelined when they don’t have a say, as if their opinions don’t matter, which can quietly create emotional distance.

What to do instead: It might seem small, but intentionally including your partner in the tiniest decisions can go a long way in helping them feel seen and valued. So the next time you’re deciding what to eat, check in to see what they’re in the mood for (even if you know it’s probably Thai). Or get their take on a paint color or wallpaper, even if home decor isn’t something they care about. The point isn’t really about the choice itself, Tate says—it’s about showing your loved one that their input matters and that your relationship is built on respect and true partnership.